Once again, my words flow out on paper.
As if they were the lifeblood of my soul, bleeding upon the paper that awaits the blessing
Beneath the weakness of flesh,
Is a primordial river,
The oldest of orchards,
An oasis
An Eden, fecund with the knowledge of good and evil.
This feeling has resided in the deepest of sleeps.
However, today I can feel a stirring in my heart.
A music; a magic of the oldest kind
No longer can it be held back
It rushes forward; a flood of intense awareness, sorrow, wrath and joy
Its subtle nuances of light and color flash behind my eyes
I’m grasped and pulled along, there is no fighting it
Is the chain of ink strong enough?
Together we are boundless and bountiful.
There is a new bounce in my step.
I am reawakened from the dream of this hapless world
This melody, a reverse lullaby that sings in my ear, is sweet
Its lyrics are sour
But their vibrancy is unmatched
So beautiful, its almost cruel.
I…I am filled with gladness again
Yes, again I am filled with gladness and it’s principal
Transcends everything
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
Hi, I'm Voxina. I'm here to give you a review. I apologize if this sounds harsh, it's just to help make the poem better... which, by the way, is a wonderful piece! Lots of feeling. For now, though, let's examine what could be improved...
1) This line is much too long in comparison to the rest. Break it up a little bit. Also, "the blessing"... what blessing? I need to know where the blessing comes from to make sense of it. Still, this line is very strong, so...what's the word for it? I don't know what the word is, but it's wonderful.
2)3)&4) These lines are too short. Try combining them. As well as "an oasis..."
The thought seems too fragmented. Play around with that a little.
When you have it in one cohesive piece, the imagery will really shine.
5) Is 'fecund' a typo? if not, I have no idea what it means, or what you meant to type.
6) "however" is a little too heavy at the start of the line. Try a shorter word like 'but' or something... and 'can' is just in the way. It would be a lot more elloquent if you just cut out 'can'.
7) This line is a little too long, try playing with it some.
8 ) A little to word-sy if you know what I mean. Just try changing it some, see if it suits you.
9) This is really a nit-pick but two words that start with 'B' are not very appealing together in this line. It just doesn't work.
10) 'its' you meant it's (as in it is)
11) this line would have a lot more punch if you put it in italics
..........
All in all: this is a great poem!
I'm guessing it's one of those that isn't supposed to be sequential, right?
What I get from it is a very strong emotional vibe with dramatic description. Honnestly, this type of poem, for me, is a great read.
Keep up the good work!
-Voxina